Bound & Gagged

I’m new to this. This laying it all out there. I have stacks of journals and in them I have been honest, brutally honest and in those pages I can exhale.

I have sinned with my pen on those pages.
I have worshiped and  the tears are evidence of my spilling over heart as their stain traces run down the page.
I’ve written things that made me laugh out loud and I do again when I re-read.

But here. In this space, where I don’t know who reads?
where I don’t know what you think
where you can revisit and re-read
where you can know my sin here in print
where my heart is laid bare for you to roam in the quiet of your present space

The reality of this
at times
sends me spiraling
and I am silenced by my fear
I doubt every word laid down
Is there any value to this endeavor
Is there value to my words

As I sit here currently bound and gagged by my thoughts I pray,

Lord, let the typed words on this page bring glory only to you. Refocus my vision. Help me give the words on this space to you.

It will take me a week or so. I will spend a week or so finding my way out of my bound and gagged state. The process to hurdle fear is not a new one, just the platform that caused the fear.  Putting the reality of my state here for you was a big step.
So, If I can say, thanks so much.
You’ve been a big help.

One thought on “Bound & Gagged

  1. i hear your heart.
    i hear the whisper and i hear the scream…
    and, of course as this is me, i hear an echo 🙂

    from the letters of Holley and Ann, i can hear fragments of breathlessness:
    Maybe what we’re really asking, without even knowing it, is this: Can I do this and not be crucified?

    Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24

    We blush a bit when we think of it this way but didn’t even Jesus ask for the cup to pass from Him? No one wants this part of it. Not even the Son of God. And yet it’s in the giving, the laying down, the opening ourselves up that we find a path to joy.

    “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

    Oh, yes, there are good things—such great things—on the other side of fear, the other side of dying to ourselves.

    But the only way from here to there is through it.

    We try to make ourselves ready for the task. But there aren’t enough conferences, books, wise friends, experiences, degrees to take away that shaking in our knees.

    Our only hope?

    Do it anyway.

    And you are.

    We all must look fear in the face every day and say, “You can’t defeat me. I will wield the sword of my words — my prayers, my creativity, my hopes, love, self — and I will never relent.”

    …Fear is nothing to be afraid of—it’s just the door we push through to get to the other side.

    And we never have to be ready — only willing.

    And on the other side of that door?

    One waits who knows what it’s like to face a cross. He took the worst of it for us. And only He can speak to our hearts the only words we really need to hear about our words.

    “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 5:21

    That’s what makes it all worth it. The fear. The risk. The offering up of ourselves…”

    the rest of their words of edification, encouragement it is all here:
    http://www.aholyexperience.com/category/words-with-holley-ann/

    oh, and one more, i can't not reference the bloggers prayer:
    http://www.aholyexperience.com/a-bloggers-prayer/

    i know the words are not my own, somehow it seems they never really are… but their words speak my heart as i listen to yours… as my heart beats to the very same rhythm and once again, the echo:

    “Fear is nothing to be afraid of—it’s just the door we push through to get to the other side.
    And we never have to be ready — only willing.”

    so thankful for you and that you are pushing through the door 🙂

    Like

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