This Cycle

I’m here in this little corner of quiet, quiet in a broken wicker chair with faded, fraying cushions. Here in my bare faced, pajama clad self. A few moments of introspect, retrospect….time to inspect. Sit down with God and ask, “What did you thing of my behavior this last week?”

It was a tough week. I tried to stay true to our families ‘standard operating procedures’. The struggles of one child say I didn’t do a grand job.

They’re always looking for the crack in the surface.
My daily uphill battle.
It is so hard. 

Hard to parent, hard to want to parent.
Hard to hold to the truth that the work I’m doing is molding, shaping.

My heart’s longing? 

Children with souls hungry, thirsty for righteousness, forever panting for more of him, longing to serve and obey him all their lifelong days.

But those cracks, those chinks, that sin of mine.
How do I keep it from being a net they are forever tangled in?

Sometimes, so invisible and it wraps, twists and knots around their little ankles. And, like tangled jewelry they bring it to me to repair, make usable again, I must help them untangle and make visible what seems transparent and yet all the world can see, could see. I bend down to unwind, unknot and I find myself tripped with them in the same sordid sin.

I come back to my quiet little space, my broken chair and write, to search my soul. I read, to wash my mind. Pray, to receive his knowledge and wisdom.

I ask, beg, for his light to illuminate the invisible thread net that has brought me to my knees.

I find scarred hands assisting in the process.

I grow.

I ask how?
Now that I’ve shown, spoke, led in all the wrong ways,
How?

Lord, reveal to me how to bend down with them, with you, and untangle the mess.

I’m so diligent the first time and maybe even the second,  
but then I’m bored.

We’ve gone over this dozens of times and I don’t want to go over it anymore. 
I’m a tangled mess….again.  

So, here I am in the cycle…
A hard fought week with only baby steps.
So small, but maybe, milestones?

I’m grateful for this moment working alongside him, holding his scarred hand.

Finding peace in the task of being. 

And I’ll be better at heading into the busyness and life away from my quiet corner.

It’s Amazing Love, his for me, mine for them, that whirls me through this cycle over and over again.
Peaceful Counting:
822.
Girlie #2’s  photos of the Suzuki Samurai
823.
The Man happily tackling all the Tuesday Taxi Craziness so I can indulge.
826. 
A family on a field trip.
827.
New friends and attending their birthday parties with old  friends.
828.
Generations of Bride & Groom beauty gazing out from the picture frames in our house.
829.
Intimate talks with engaged  couples.
830.
The Dad calling to tell me tomorrow’s moon will be closer than ever in 20 some odd years and  so we should be outside tomorrow eve to embrace it.
831.
The amazing beauty of The Small Blue Heron and having it cross the path right in front of me.
832.
A day spent in Florida Wetlands and so much room to breath.

8 thoughts on “This Cycle

  1. and so i find myself at His feet, and in His embrace, in His presence; there is peace, there is rest, there is hope… it is here i long to stay. i am looking at His scars and trusting in the knowing, it is Him alone who can untangle this mess i have made, this mess i have made once again.

    ~ ~ ~

    i too was blessed with seeing the photos through eyes of hope and excitement… and behold old things become new again 🙂

    i can hear the echo of the telling of Your Man recollecting the non-stop chatter of my girl-love conversing with Girlie #2 :}

    i can 'see' The Small Blue Heron crossing right in from of you & i smile in gratitude for you

    thank you for the counting and the sharing of your heart in both question and praise 🙂

    -t-

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  2. Thank you so much for your post today! The statement “I find scarred hand assisting. . . .”
    I found that just so healing and it washed over me! I've had these days, when I felt I just didn't measure up, COULDN'T measure up! Isn't it wonderful to know that He already knew that and sees of perfect in and through Christ?!!! Thank you for your post, for your list of gratitudes! It was so good to have been here!

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  3. Had to smile when I read your list today… I looked out and saw my Daddy's Suzuki Samurai sitting in our driveway, one of his favorite things that we've hung onto now that he's gone. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. I am a little late in getting to read all the post ..
    So glad that we can come together and share what GOD is doing in our lifes ……………..endless blessings

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  5. wow! loved this! thanks so much for writing so vulnerably because someone like me needs to hear it. i agree with Cora, his scarred hand reaching to assist me, something like that–that did wash over me and make my heart realize something i'd forgotten–He is right there, helping me. and love the bending and hime bending with you and untangling –yes, this resonates in my spirit! will be thinking on this.

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