I’ve felt a little dizzy lately, life dizzy. I like goals and things to strive for. I can say they define me, they give me an equilibrium. But, what to do when I’ve asked to be transformed, and he’s said to transform I must set aside my goals. He asks me to Just Be. I respond in shocked tones, I can’t just be because I have to BE in the process of running at break neck speed toward a goal. I wander lost, feeling dizzy and I don’t know quite what to do with my moments.
So restless and I don’t know how to rest. I keep looking for purpose, things to define who I am, define what I do. I exhaust myself. I’m wiped out like at the beach when I wade deep and I try to run in thigh high water and it swirls resistance around my legs. I barely move, so I lift my knees higher and higher hoping to accelerate but a crawl would pass me. Fighting the resistance I get the blood pumping fast, the body likely to pass out. Results of going it all on my own. The body is exhausted, this woman, friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, frail beating heart, they have been exhausted.
Sunday service and the topic, The Tower of Babel. Babel needed to repent. They had a goal, to make a name for themselves. I am chief architect in the town. They all came together with the same language and united man is capable of great things. In their unity they decided to build a winding staircase to heaven. They’re telling God where to descend.
God doesn’t need a staircase.
But here in this little slice of domestic suburbia I am forever building towers. I jot out plans for this blog and that business and there are so many ways I can BE successful. I like to create my fairy world and tell God where to show up. His response is to again ask me… girl, Just Be, in me. When he says it I shake my head, “Silly God, don’t you know I can BE so much more if I ….” and I know he chuckles at my childishness. I think sometimes he longs for me to have the rest of the sentence.
But first he asks that I learn this.
Learn to find my definition solely in him and in him let the definition define my days. And I love him and when I shelve my architectural drawings I am amazed at all he chooses to do with me. His plans are grand.
I long for a heart that embraces his resistance. A heart that follows Isaiah’s lead and learns to Just Be so that all my writings, speaking, teaching and living….
Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that his name is exalted,
Check out Ann and her contest for a generous scholarship to attend She Speaks. She Speaks is a conference for women. A place to come together and connect to the heart of God. It aligns with my heart’s desire, a desire to offer up my humble stumblings on this road we journey, offer up my meager thoughts, lessons learned that I might be a directional sign pointing to him.