I’ve been working hard, a lifetime of working hard, to justify my reason for being here. My coming launched a marriage that would’ve never been. I remember all the times their eyes looked so sad. So many times life was just too hard and they argued and fought and I just loved them with all my heart and maybe, by being better, being good, pleasing all the folks, well, it could light a smile in their eyes.
Maybe then God would be pleased too?
I now realize, but I didn’t always know, that I live my days that way.
So I embark on this journey. To type out a few posts because I have a knack with letters and words and I’m fluid with ink and paper. I’ll just jot some items here. And in my jotting, in the desire to offer real true, authentic tales of life and growth, I rip back secret doors and let you in. As I type each word, hit post to publish, I grow smaller. I reach for elusive things, things, if touched they seem to disappear. I long to be humble and work to the glory of him alone. The truth at the core of who I am is pride and I like the praise and applause of others. It makes me curious why God would choose to use me in this way that might draw praise and applause.
So on my knees I go and I beg that he would purge that side of this girl. She learned long ago how to command eyes to her and make em smile. He asks her to be transparent. He knows how well she wears a mask and it is sterile perfection. He applies mask removal and shows you what she really is, who she really is. She types out many pretty things, pretty posts that would put the mask securely back in place, but they fall cold and hard. Potential posts look polished and professional and she knows in her spirit to hit delete and she does.
It’s back to her journals where she bares her soul and cries out to God and he asks her to offer that mess, her authentic self and so she types out dirty, sinful and messy. Too many times they are poorly edited and sometimes, to her, it feels lacking in cohesion but, Christ is found there.
She is left baffled and even more so as she continues to grow smaller. Her hand is learning to hold tighter to his in even the sun-shiniest of moments. The warmth of his hand is more than she ever needed. It is only in the realm of God Economics, ‘G’economics of offering my sinful self to you bare and naked draws me closer to the Father. God’s true mystery.
Counting More of God’s Mysteries:
Celebrating another year of Dad’s life.
Hearing how sweet little Lewis is recovering.
The beauty of the wildflowers blooming alongside the Florida highway.
The excitement level of our Beast upon our return home.
Finding joy in the hour long traffic jam that took us only 4 miles.
The chill in the early morning air.
A new family motto, ‘Attitude to Gratitude’ and The Boy turns to me in the car and says, “Okay Mom I’m so over it”, when I recite it to him for the millionth time. So, I say, “Me too, so get grateful” and he smiles and nods his head in knowing.
The Man’s excitement and joy in Bird Watching.
The ballerina got dressed in full leotard and tights with her boot cast for her first day back in dance.
Self propelled lawnmowers to get that machine through thick Florida grass.