I’m sitting here, in an office. Work clicking all around me and the buzz of voices behind closed doors. I’ve been a part of this. It’s exciting being a part of something so much bigger than my little self. My days these last months devoted to family and development. Developing something that stirs a passion deep within.
I didn’t know I had this passion. Now that I’m in the whirl of development I can look back at the lighted steps that lead to this moment. A moment sitting behind a camera offering my heart, encouragement to homeschool families with high school students. I’m shocked as my passion stirs me to speak. Shocked at the overwhelming emotion stirred in my heart and welling in my eyes as I share incredible encounters with everyday families, incredible because God met us there and we were changed.
My eyes well even now. It is overwhelming to be cradled in a place of God’s planning.
I had a plan for my days. I wrote it out even drew a map of my roadways and told God what I’d use to travel on them. He sent tidal waves and I’d shake my fist thinking, “don’t you know it would work so well if you’d do it my way”. As I type this I shake my head at my own precociousness. I wonder that I wonder where my own children get it from.
How did I get from handmade roads to walking a divine creators will?
One day I got tired of building. Maybe my newest construction, in it’s infancy, had been demolished one too many times. Too tired to start again I finally yielded to the expert. Maybe watching my progeny use my building methods opened my eyes to the state of my own affairs. Either way I asked to be transformed. I made it 2011’s pursuit, The Year of Transformation. I became intentional in acquiring transformation.
It’s funny when you become intentional by letting go. I let go of every pre-planned goal. I put aside my Performace Planner. I would listen and be led. How can I be transformed if I don’t listen to the one who brings about the transformation? I feared my silence. It left me alone and I feared I’d find myself lonely.
At first it made me restless.
I needed something to do….
what to do…
on my knees hands clasped I began to beg…please God just give me something to do.
He asked me to stop being by my doing.
Would I let him do and just be a set of hands here and walk to that man there?
Drive your Daddy to Chemo treatment on this day?
Bless children of the Dominican Republic in this way?
Maybe, dear girl, would you just give up your house and move?
Are you willing to deeply love and train your children?
Love and be led by that man I sent you?
Then, my daughter, would you just smile at the wind and bask in my prescence?
Could you just go on your knees and be, with Me, JUST BE?
And it has been so hard.
Lord you are so often like the wind. I want you in flesh, I want to grab hold of you but you are uncatchable. Unless I stop my plans, breath deep the moment I am in and see with your eyes the real and tangible world and how you are reachable in all the moments, faces, smiles, sunsets, hard days and broken moments. Yes, especially in the broken moments, here I find you so real and reachable.
So, I look back at this transformation and I know it is only the beginning, but a Year of Transformation it has been and I say a cheery “hullo” to this new year already grateful for every day it holds.
Counting in 2012:
A shopping day with my oldest and Gamaw.
An early morning quiet time and one by one the entire Party of 5! joins me with their Bibles and devotionals.
Being married to a guy that loves to watch “Lark Rise to Candleford”
First sight in the a.m. being my sweet boys face with a big kiss on the cheek.
How he laughs at my vision of a tiny house and tells me that’s he loves that fun crazy side of me.