Finally, Front of the Line

I have a special super power….I’m visionary.

I can see a project done the moment I get the idea. I see the plan, I see the steps to take to get to completion and I like to push myself and everyone around me hard to execute it RIGHT NOW.

I like Right Now.

It works for me.
I am not patient, I do not like waiting, I would rather do a ton of research and use my knowledge and education to skip the line.

Newsflash to me….

Grief has rules, it is emotional and it ebbs and flows on its own timeline. It won’t let you cut in line.

I know, I tried.

I really thought if I read the books, knew the steps then I could fast forward myself through the grief line.

It didn’t work.

Here I am four years later and I’ve made it to the front of the line.
I think I may have stalled my own progress in my desire to fast forward.
I ran across this last unpublished post….It speaks of the hazy life waiting in that line.

I’m in an upside down world. My voice, the tone and inflection, lilt and resonance is forever changed. I am forever changed and I am trying to understand the girl that exists today.
She has found joy in the journey. She is grateful for every moment her earthly Daddy was here. She relates in a knew way with her Momma and her Brother. They are all learning new steps to the daily dance without a key dancer.
She laughs a lot and then crawls to a secret place to cry for her broken heart. Her God is doing something. When she writes it’s choppy and disjointed but life is full of good stuff. Both ends of the emotional spectrum own her heart at the same time.
Every day is a veiled gift. Her children and her man are digging deep. They are going to love and do it well. They are going to serve. They are going to do hard things. Her focus on these things leaves her feeling dizzy. She gets lost on the highway. She can’t write a cohesive sentence with pen and paper but she hugs a lot. She drops her world to just be with folks. Folks are precious. People are precious. This life, her life, it feels priceless.
She has asked God to reorder, well reorder her. He’s true to his word and she attributes all the confusion to what her God is up to.

God had some crazy work to do with this girl and her stubborn clay. I’m seeing the sun again and I remember how to laugh, how to be me. It’s nice to be back. Thanks for being patient with me.


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